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[15 Nov 2006|05:04am] |
Chapter 23:
In Which Jeremiah Gets To Mandy's, Closer to Later than Soonish
Jeremiah drove slowly out of the parking lot. He tried to drive as carefully as possible, worried that the police would pull him over and he would have to explain who’s car it was, how he’d gotten it and why there wasn’t a key. Jeremiah drove slowly out of the parking lot. He turned the music on low, listening to Buddy Holly coming out of the speakers.
Jeremiah arrived at Mandy’s apartment and drove into her parking lot. Finding her parking spot after a couple of circles and parking that badass. Jeremiah got out of the car and locked it. He hoped it was turned off, but he wasn’t entirely sure, because he didn’t really understand what Monty had done. Jeremiah walked up to the building, opened that first class door and pressed the button for floor nineteen room Q. 19-Q.
Mandy buzzed him up without a word. Jeremiah opened the door and walked up the nineteen flights of stairs. He could have taken the elevator, it would have made more sense. He just felt like walking it. Jeremiah got to the fifth floor and decided he was better off taking the elevator.
He walked down the hall and saw that Q was open. He walked in and saw Mandy smoking at the coffee table. She looked up at him smiling.
“Hi Jeremiah!” Jeremiah looked down at her cigarette.
He wasn’t sure to what degree he was willing to take this “biblical hedonist” talk.
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[14 Nov 2006|02:08am] |
Chapter 22:
In Which Jeremiah Tries to Pick Mandy Up Nowish, but the car doesn’t agree
Jeremiah walked to the parking lot, before he realized that he didn’t actually have the keys to Mandy’s car and as much of a biblical hedonist he was, he was about as technologically advanced as the bible too. he didn’t know how to hotwire the car. He wasn’t even sure what the proper term was. Thankfully, it was still fairly early, before 8”30 and the majority of the home was still in the activities room. Jeremiah burst into the room.
“Does anyone know how to make a car go when you don’t have the keys, but you have to get somewhere?” Monty raised his hand and let out a chuckle. It was a deep, growly (old man sexy) kind of chuckle that made Jeremiah blush. Monty stood up slowly and took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. He put one in his mouth and bent down towards Evelyn who was sitting beside him. She quickly pulled out a pack or matches and, fumbling, lit it for him.
“Monty, you know you aren’t allowed-” Jeremiah started.
“Show me the problem, boy.” Monty laughed again, this time in Jeremiah’s face before he took a drag of his cigarette, before exhaling in Jeremiah’s face. Jeremiah coughed and lead Monty outside. Monty walked up to the car. Monty walked around the car. Monty stood in front of the car for ten minutes staring at it. Jeremiah coughed again, this time for different reasons. Monty came back to life.
“I’ve found the problem, boy.”
“I know what the problem is, Monty”
“It’s not open.”
“No.”
“Nor is the engine on.”
“No.”
“and you don’t have the one thing you need to make this possible.”
“No.”
“And that’s yr problem.”
“I know, Monty.”
“But the thing you don’t know is, it’s not just one thing that makes this possible.”
“No?”
“No! there’s one other thing.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
“Monty.”
“Oh!” Monty walked around the car one more time and then walked back into the home. Jeremiah stood there, confused, looking down at his watch and then walking around the car, himself, hoping that it would spark the same something inside of him that it did in Monty. It did nothing. Jeremiah looked down at his watch again. He was late. It was definitely past nowish by now. Monty came back out with a switchblade (those aren’t allowed in the home) and a long piece of wire. He fiddled around with the wire and the door, until it swung open and then he disappeared into the mess of Mandy’s car. There were occasional grunts from Monty, but for the post part, it was a dull process. Jeremiah looked at his watch again. A noise came out of the car when he looked up. Probably the engine, he thought. He didn’t know all the names of the car, but the engine was a reasonable guess. Monty reappeared grumbling.
“It’s done, boy. You go get yr woman.”
“She’s not my woman, Monty.”
“Then you better get on it, or she’ll be mine soon. She was smoking.”
“Thanks.” Jeremiah shook Monty’s hand and climbed into the car.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:14pm] |
Chapter 21:
In Which Mandy Calls Jeremiah and they talk about unimportant things (like daffodils and butternut squash)
Jeremiah stares at the colourless ball at the bottom of his garbage can until the phone rings.
BRING BRING! Jeremiah is startled. He had half forgotten that he had a phone, as no one ever called him on it. He tried to find it. He looked under the bed and over the window and all the places a phone would never find fit to habitat. Jeremiah looked on his desk. His phone was there. BRING BRING. He picked it up.
“hello?” he asked the wireless machine with no brain.
“Hello?” it asked him back through the voice of Mandy.
“Mandy?”
“Jeremiah?”
“Yes!”
“Yes.”
“How are you?”
“I’m okay. I had some starburst.”
“Me too!”
“how was yours?”
“Uneventful, yours?”
“I nearly choked.”
“Oh.”
“Yes.”
“Did you make it back on time?”
“I got back for lunch.”
“Anything good?”
“Tuna casserole. How about you?”
“I had some toast.”
“Good?”
“It was alright, smelt kind of burnt”
“Maybe you had a stroke.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh. Um. Nothing. It just happens a lot here.”
“I’m not seventy years old, Jeremiah.”
“Strokes can happen to young people too.”
“I didn’t have a stroke.”
“That’s good. I was worried.”
“You were worried?”
“It happens a lot here.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You didn’t have a stroke.”
“I know.”
“And that’s good. It makes me happy.”
“Thanks, Jeremiah.”
“You’re welcome.”
There was an awkward silence passing back and forth on the telephone. At the moment it was situated closer to Mandy, but it was edging towards the middle.
“So. Is anything new?” Jeremiah fished for something more intresting to say, but he wasn’t very good bait.
“Not really.”
“Oh.”
“Yup.”
“So, why did you call?”
“I just wanted to talk.”
“Oh.”
“Yup.”
“This is fun!”
“Yup.”
“Talking.”
“Yup.”
“I like talking to you.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem”
“Yeah.”
“So.”
“I took a public speaking class in college.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Never would have guessed.”
“I got top marks.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I delivered a fascinating presentation on the fermentation of algae.”
“I have to go.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Me too. Really sorry to say that.”
“Right.”
“Well, it’s been great. Bye Jeremiah.”
“Bye. Oh wait. Mandy?”
“Yes?” Mandy’s voice got a little higher and a bit more joyful.
“I’m seeing you soon, right?”
“Whenever you want to.”
“Really soon.”
“Great.”
“Yeah.”
“When?”
“What are you doing…” Jeremiah thought for a moment. “Right now?”
“No plans. I’m wide open.”
“Perfect. I’ll pick you up in ten minutes.”
“You don’t have a car.”
“I still have yours.”
“Do you know how to drive?”
“It doesn’t look that hard.”
“Be careful.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
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[10 Nov 2006|08:13pm] |
Chapter 20:
In Which Jeremiah Eats a Pack of Starburst
Jeremiah opens the desk drawer closest to the bottom and pulls out a packet of Starburst. He tears off the wrapper and the individually wrapped pieces fall onto his desk. He counts. There are seven of them. Green, Pink, Red, Yellow, Orange, Green and Red. Jeremiah sorts them into colour piles. Red, Red, Pink, Orange, Yellow, Green and Green. Jeremiah eats a green and a red. Red, Pink, Orange, Yellow and Green. Ha! No doubles. Jeremiah sorts them in alphabetical order. Green, Orange, Pink, Red and Yellow. Jeremiah gets bored. He unwraps all the starburst and mush them into one gigantic starburst overlord. He sticks it in his mouth. He nearly chokes. Jeremiah spits the Starburst into the garbage can and sees this attempt as another chapter wasted.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:12pm] |
Chapter 19:
In Which Jeremiah Sits On His Bed Experiencing an Angst He wasn’t Familiar with in his Adolescent
Jeremiah was lying face down on his bed, when there was a knock on the door. he ignored it. it came again, but louder. It occurred to Jeremiah that it sounded like multiple knocks.
“Go away” Jeremiah tried to say, but was muffled by the pillow.
The knock persisted and Jeremiah got up to open the door. Outside of it stood Edith and Judith.
“Now, Eddie” Jeremiah shuffled to his bed and lay down on his back as the two aged women made their way into the room. “I know that you are a lot younger than we are and you don’t think that we understand you, but we understand you, Eddie.”
“You don’t understand me. How could you?”
“We’re not as old as you may think, Edith is 76 and I’m a very youthful 78. Really we’re only…”
“55 years older than me?”
“Goodness, no. you’re-”
“twenty two?”
“Oh, heavens. I thought you were a slight bit older than that.”
“No.”
“Well, age is only a number. That’s what I always say. You can’t see us and ‘old’ and ‘out of it’. We’re here for you, Eddie. No matter what. We always have been.”
“No you haven’t, I only started working here two years ago.”
“Well, it seems like we’ve always been. After all, you remind me so much of my own son. Have I told you about him?”
“Yes”
“Well, Roy’s turning about 56 this year and we’re having a big party down at Red Lobster. You really should come, Eddie. I think you’d get along famously. The age difference really isn’t that great.”
“It’s still 34 years, Judith.”
“34 years is nothing, Eddie. Can you imagine if our Lord, father, thought how you think? That 34 is a big number? Then the story of Noah’s Ark would be very different, now, wouldn’t it? Let’s not fret, Eddie. Just remember. We’re here for you, Eddie. No matter what. Even when you can’t turn to yr parents. When they aren’t there for you, we are.”
“My parents are here for me!”
“Not right now, are they?”
“They visited last Friday. They brought you a cake, Judith. You complimented them on my upbringing.”
“First impressions are often flawed, Eddie. After all, Satan was an angel before he was rightfully driven out of heaven.”
“I’m sorry, Judith. I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.”
“We were talking about abstinence, Eddie, the safest sex of all.”
“I don’t think that even counts as a sex.”
“What is sex, really, Eddie?”
“Well, it’s when you really like someone and then you both take yr clothes off-.”
“Or you could really like someone and not take yr clothes off. Wouldn’t that be more fun?”
“Maybe?”
“And if that girl had sex with you on the first date. You don’t want anything to do with her, Eddie. She’s a hussy.”
“She is not a hussy.”
“I’m sorry, Eddie, but she’s a hussy.”
“Edith?” Edith had fallen asleep in the chair at Jeremiah’s desk. She woke up with a start.
“Yes?”
“She’s not a hussy.”
“Oh no, of course not. Judith is saving herself for God.”
“Not Judith, Mandy!”
“Who’s Mandy”
“His hussy” Judith chimed in.
“She is not a hussy.” Jeremiah practically shrieked and walked out of the room and into the bathroom, where he splashed water onto his face and then sat down on the toilet seat, breathing heavily. After he had a chance to calm himself he walked out of the bathroom and nearly crashed into Judith and Edith who were waiting for him.
“oh GOD!”
“Now, Eddie, just because that girl is a hussy does not mean that you should take yr anger out on God. Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.”
“I’m sorry Judith. I’m sorry Edith, but I have to go lie down.”
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[10 Nov 2006|08:12pm] |
Chapter 18:
In Which Jeremiah Goes Back to Bradley’s and is Misunderstood
Clapping started when Jeremiah walked into the dining hall for lunch. All of the residents not in wheelchairs stood up and the ones with canes joined slowly after the rest of them. Jeremiah flushed and he grabbed a tray and put some jello and a sandwich onto a plate for himself.
“What’s happening?”
“Like you don’t know, you sly devil.” Arthur coughed at him from across two tables.
“Excuse me?” Jeremiah asked.
“You can’t trick us, Eddie. We’re just glad that you’re with girls your age. Of course we all know about yr big date.” Edith exclaimed.
“And not coming home until the next morning?” Monty burst in. “We know what you’ve been up to. Like none of us have never done that before.”
“I’ve never done that before.” Evelyn stated.
“Oh, piffle. You did it with me, Evelyn, back in ’63.” Monty corrected her. “Now, Jeremiah, we’re not judging you. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re a grown man. We’re proud of you.”
“But you did use contraceptives, didn’t you, Eddie?” Edith inquired.
“Contraceptives are condemned in the bible, Edith, and you know that” Judith yelled.
“Oh, Judith, everything’s condemned in the bible.” Edith retorted, before turning back to Jeremiah. “You did get the talk from your parents, though, didn’t you Eddie? And you took that test.” Jeremiah turned an ever more unnatural shade of red.
“I can’t talk about this with you.”
“Sure you can” Monty said. “We’re all experienced around here.”
“If it makes you feel better, dear” Judith inserted. “We can all have a group talk later. Tell you about our first times. Make you feel more comfortable.
“It’s not your fault if it didn’t last very long. It never does the first time.” Arthur coughed.
“And if she didn’t have an orgasm. That’s alright too. You’ll get better. The girl is always better at this sort of thing at the beginning. You’ll catch up, don’t worry your head about it.”
“But you have to understand that sometimes, it’s not going to be enough just that for the girl. the key is the clitori-“
“ENOUGH!” Jeremiah finally cried. “ENOUGH! As far as I know, you’re all completely pure and virginal, except you Monty, I’ve met your grandchildren, but the rest of you. you’re all very very Catholic and celibate and you grew up as nuns and monks. Enough, please, enough.” Jeremiah stormed out of the room as applause broke out again.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:11pm] |
Chapter 17:
In Which Jeremiah and Mandy Wake Up On the Bed and Jeremiah worries about the elderly
Jeremiah woke up and found Mandy’s head resting on her shoulder. They had kept talking and listening and at some point most have shut their minds off. Jeremiah looked at Mandy, sleeping. She was pretty, but she looked sad. Jeremiah preferred her awake, there was no chance of seeing her smile with that expression on her face. Jeremiah looked at his watch. It was half past ten.
“Godammit.” Mandy awoke at that. She was positioned so that anything that Jeremiah said went straight into her ear and he wasn’t being quiet.
“What?” she mumbled up to him.
“It’s late. It’s late and I’m supposed to be back and making sure that everything’s alright and everyone wakes up.”
“Oh.” She mumbled into his shoulder.
“And it’s going to take me another half hour to get back and neither of us has a car to speed that up.”
“I have car” Mandy mumbles again.
“Yr car is at the home.”
“Oh.” Jeremiah lifts Mandy up a bit to move her onto a pillow. She groans indecipherably and he feels bad for having moved her.
“I’m sorry. I just really have to go.” She mumbles something again that slightly resemble “I understand” and he feels slightly better. Jeremiah kisses her cheek and walks through the kitchen, puts on his shoes and leaves Mandy in her apartment. He hears her quiet mumbling as he exits and hopes she was saying something to him.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:11pm] |
Chapter 16
In Which Jeremiah and Mandy take the elevator up to the 19th floor
“I live on the nineteenth floor” Mandy states as they step into the elevator and she presses the corresponding button. Jeremiah watches as the numbers light up in front of him as each floor is passed. Five, seven, thirteen, sixteen. Finally the elevator stops and the doors open at nineteen and they step off. Mandy and Jeremiah walk to the end of the corridor and Mandy unlocks and opens the door for 19-Q. Jeremiah takes off his shoes when he gets inside and Mandy laughs.
“You really don’t have to do that.” She says, smirking. “It’s always a mess here.”
Jeremiah and Mandy walk through her kitchen to get to her bedroom, the only other room in the apartment save the bathroom. The counters are adorned with empty cartons and half used packets of Splenda, but Jeremiah doubts that these are there for the same reasons as the ones in his room.
“I’m sorry if it bothers you. I haven’t cleaned up in a while. Most of my friends already know how untidy I get and I can’t bother trying to fool them anymore. I didn’t expect I’d invite you up so soon.”
“Okay.”
“So it doesn’t bother you?”
”No, it’s alright.”
“Yr room similar?”
“No, it’s really not, but it doesn’t bother me.” Mandy walks over to the radio and turns it on. She flips through the channels and after dismissing everything she sticks in a tape. Music comes in through speakers that are sticking out of corners gracelessly, looking as though they were half-hazardly set up just that morning.
“What’s that?” Jeremiah asks, indicating the noise.
“The Cure.” Mandy sits herself down on her bed, motioning for Jeremiah to join her. The room being devoid of chairs.
“Oh.”
“You like?”
“I’ve never heard before.”
“Really? Robert Smith is god. I’ll make you a copy of some of my tapes.”
“Thanks.” Jeremiah smiles half-heartedly, not entirely sure he wants to be guilted into listening to tapes of this noise just yet. Mandy starts singing along and her voice makes Jeremiah want to give this Smith a chance. Jeremiah settles himself down on the bed next to Mandy and sinks lower into the plush than he expected.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:11pm] |
Chapter 15
In Which Jeremiah Walks Mandy Home And She Invites Him Inside
Jeremiah understood now why Mandy had driven to the old age home. She didn’t exactly live close to him. In fact it was a good thirty minute walk. Jeremiah didn’t mind. He liked that it was long. He liked that it was more time to walk with Mandy, but with every step he realized that soon he would be taking this same step, but in the other direction and alone.
“Did you ever get serenaded?”
“Why would I get serenaded?”
“Yr name is a classic love song. You’ve never been serenaded?”
“I’ve never been serenaded.”
“I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.”
“You’re going to serenade me?”
“Me? I can’t sing. I never said I was going to serenade you.”
“I just thought, cos you mentioned it.’
“Well, I could do the John Cusack thing if you want. The boombox serenade.”
“I don’t need you to serenade me, Jeremiah. I didn’t bring this up. You did.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll serenade you. It’s okay. Just not now.”
“When are you going to serenade me?”
“I’m sure you’ll get sick of me soon. One of these days, you’ll get upset. Throw things at my head. We’ll both say things we don’t mean. I’ll offer you chocolate. You’ll throw it at my head. I’ll say something I don’t mean before I come back to you again with flowers, which presumably you’ll throw at my head, before I get fed up with all the things I wish I never said and then I’ll serenade you.”
“Oh.”
“I’ve got it planned out.”
“That’s kind of weird, Jeremiah”.
“Never said it wasn’t.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“I kind of hate Barry Manilow.”
“Tough. I didn’t name you, I’m just gonna serenade you.”
“Who named you?”
“My grandma and my mom.”
“Who decided on the spelling?”
“My grandma.”
“And yr mom the pronounciation?”
“Yup.”
“Oh.”
“They didn’t get along very well.”
“That’s sad. They had problems?”
“Well, kind of. Mostly it’s just hard to communicate with someone in a coma.”
“Who was in a coma? Your mom or your grandma?”
“Both.”
“Wait. So who named you?”
“They took turns.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So, you’re going to serenade me?”
“It’s going to be great.”
“Thanks, Jeremiah.”
They were coming up to the driveway of Mandy’s apartment. They had cut through the parking lot to get there, past her empty spot and over oil splotches. They walked up to the door.
“Did you want to come up?”
“Come up?”
“Yeah, for, I don’t know, coffee?”
“We already had coffee.”
“More coffee?”
“Don’t you think we’re going a little quickly.”
“Coffee is quickly for you?”
“We’ve kissed, held hands, had coffee, hid behind yr car. This is already quite the eventful first date for me. more coffee would just be unheard of. More coffee?”
“We don’t have to have more coffee, Jeremiah. I’m sorry if I’m being too forward for you. You’re right, let’s take a step back. Would you like some water instead?”
“It’s not the drink. It’s just everything together.”
“You’ve explained enough. I’m a tart. Is that it? I’m sorry Jeremiah, I didn’t mean to put you through all of this. all of everything. Everything together. It’s my fault and I apologize.”
“it wasn’t bad.”
“then what are you trying to say?”
“you’re getting so defensive”
“How can I not get defensive? You’re making me feel easy.”
“You’re not easy. I swear. You’re extremely difficult.”
“I’m going upstairs, Jeremiah and I think I’m all out of coffee. Don’t bother coming up.”
“Oh, no. you invited me, now I’m coming upstairs.”
“Don’t come upstairs, Jeremiah, I don’t want you upstairs.”
“You invited me and I’m coming. I’m in just the mood for coffee. I love coffee.”
“Fine, come upstars. Have coffee. Fine.”
“Okay, I will.”
“fine.”
There’s an uncomfortable silence as they stare at one another.
“What is this?” Mandy asks.
“Some very bad, unexplainable reverse psychology that just happened.”
“Oh”
“Right.”
“Did you actually want some coffee?”
“I think I’ve had enough caffeine. I’m acting out.”
“I have decaf.”
“I love decaf” Jeremiah says and walks into the building behind Mandy, closing the door and grabbing her hand again.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:10pm] |
Chapter 14:
In Which Jeremiah and Mandy Finish Their Date and Mandy Walks Jeremiah Across the Street
Jeremiah and Mandy sat down at their table again, but ignored the fish. They ordered two coffees and sat exchanging words and comfortable silence. They learned that they both liked pointillism and regular bowling. Lawn bowling was definitely out for Mandy, as was glow in the dark bowling for Jeremiah. They made these simple compromises over coffee as they both added the same amount of milk and sweetener. Cream and sugar being out for both of them. They didn’t kiss again, but at points in the conversation they accidentally brushed hands and legs rubbed up against each other. Jeremiah would blush at these moments and Mandy looked perfectly composed.
They paid the bill and left Dwayne a larger tip than he deserved. Neither wanted the other to think they were cheap and Mandy had already forced Jeremiah to let them go Dutch. She said that she didn’t want her to pay for meals until they had escalated to more expensive meals. She was joking, but this worried Jeremiah. He had no idea how much a prune juice delivery girl made, but the manager of an old age home wasn’t rolling in the big bucks. Jeremiah offered to walk Mandy home next, but she reasoned that she had parked her car in the parking lot of the old age home and it was right across the street. It didn’t make sense for her to drive herself and Jeremiah home in her car and then force him to walk home by himself. She was quite selfless, Jeremiah thought, for a first date. Jeremiah and Mandy walked across the street and he reached to hold her hand. She squeezed her fingers tight around his and pulled him faster across the street. The car horns blared and the traffic lights shone more vibrant greens, yellows and reds than ever before. Jeremiah thought that this might just be the best first date he’d ever had. Or possibly the only first date he’d ever had. All of the dates with his former girlfriend had been more of a mutual understanding. It was never mentioned that these were dates, nor was the standard dating protocol examined, but with Mandy it was different. Mandy had mentioned the word date multiple times and Jeremiah knew that this is what he was doing with her.
Mandy let go of Jeremiah’s hand as they walked into the parking lot and she found her car. He walked her up beside it and she put her key in the door. Mandy turned to face him and Jeremiah took an awkward step forward. This was about the time where he had to kiss her. About the time that any normal person would have kissed her. Jeremiah took an awkward step to the right. He knew it was his turn this time. She had kissed him first and now it was his turn to show that he knew how to do it too. he could be a leader and not just follow. He was a man. He was brave and strong and masculine and Jeremiah took an awkward step to the left to be standing in front of Mandy again. He was Jeremiah pronounced Eddie goddamnit and he would kiss this girl.
“So, have a good night.” He said, looking down at his shoes, addressing no one in particular.
“Thanks, I did.” Jeremiah looked up.
“Oh, I did too. I had a really nice time. You’re a great date.”
“Thanks, Jeremiah.” Neither of them moved and Mandy smiled one last time with her perfect teeth before turning around and opening her car door.
“Goddamit, I’m a man.” Announced Jeremiah to the world as he turned Mandy around and kissed her passionately. He missed her mouth, but her cheek got the message he was trying to send and at least he hadn’t kissed her in an unkissable location, or at least an awkward to kiss location for the first date like her nose or even worse, her chin. Jeremiah had not kissed her chin and therefore he considered this kiss a success.
‘Wow, Jeremiah. That was great. I mean, um” Mandy was at a loss for words.
“We’re trying this again, Mandy. Could you please turn around once more?” Mandy smiled the same as before, albeit a little more timidly and turned around to face her car. Jeremiah maneuvered her around and against the car door and kiss her passionately, this time on the mouth.
“Goddamit, I am a man.” He announced one final time to Mandy and her car alarm that had gone off in all of the commotion. Lights turned in the windows of the old age home as Mandy frantically tried to turn off the beeping. Heads began to pop out of windows and exclamations of “Who’s there?” and “At this hour?” erupted into the parking lot. Jermiah grabbed Mandy’s arm as she finally bested the automobile and pulled her until they were sitting on the ground, backs against the trunk of her HONDA and grinning stupidly at each other. They waited out the shouts and stayed seated until all the lights went out again. Jeremiah’s hand having stayed locked with Mandy’s held hers tightly. Jeremiah smiled this time, as he realized what he’d just done.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“No, it was stupid. I shouldn’t be hiding. I just forget.”
“No, it was fun. It’s like I’m fifteen again hiding behind the fence from my parents with Tommy Tucker.”
“Tommy Tucker?”
“He was just my neighbour.”
“He’s not anymore right?”
“No.”
“Lemme walk you home.”
“I have my car here, Jeremiah.”
“Let me walk you home.”
“And just leave my car here?”
“It will give you reason to come back tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
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[10 Nov 2006|08:10pm] |
Chapter 13:
In Which Jeremiah and Mandy Go on a Date and Neither Orders Prune Juice
Jeremiah and Mandy sat across from each other in the Fish n Chips place, aptly named “Fish ‘n’ Chips”. Dwayne was the owner and he and Jeremiah had become friends over their mutual love of the taste of sea creatures accented by that of roots. Jeremiah sprinkled salt on his chips and offered it to Mandy.
“No, thanks.” He put the salt shaker on his right side and started cutting his cod.
“So, do you come here a lot?” she asks him as she tries her first bite. She looks unimpressed and reaches for the salt she previously declined.
“Well, it is right across the street from the home and Dwayne’s a very nice man.”
“He seemed polite”
“Oh more than polite, he’s a very nice man.”
“Well, yes you said, Jeremiah”
“Yes.”
Jeremiah and Mandy didn’t have that much to talk about, which was kind of silly. You’d think they’d have everything to talk about, as they had never really talked before, but it just wasn’t so. Jeremiah tried to talk about pop art, but Mandy thought it was a cop out. Mandy tried to talk about sports, but Jeremiah was only interested in lawn bowling. Their conversations went around in angry circles, until Jeremiah excused himself to go to the bathroom.
He splashed water on his face and hummed a little song to himself. He put down the lid of the toilet down and sat on it for a while, making a list of all the things that he could talk to her about to relieve the silence: prune juice, forget-me-nots, fish n chips, other kinds of art that didn’t include pop art. Jeremiah was hopeless.
He opened the door of the bathroom and nearly slammed in Mandy, which was alarming not only because he hadn’t expected her to be there, but because he specifically remembered going in the bathroom for males, which she didn’t have a reason to be standing in front of.
“Hi.”
“Hi. Jeremiah tried to move to the right to get out of her way, but she moved to the right with him. He moved to left and she followed. It wasn’t until the fifth time that Jeremiah realized that she wasn’t laughing. This wasn’t a crazy coincidence, she was moving with him, on purpose for some reason that didn’t involve her going into the bathroom for males.
“So.”
She smiled at him with her perfect teeth. “So.”
“I’m sorry, you must have to go to the toilet and I’m in the way. Let me move.” He tried to move to the right again, but she moved with him.
“I don’t have to go.”
“Oh.”
“This isn’t working, Jeremiah.”
“You just can’t move to the right when I move to the right, just stay still and it will be fine.”
“This date isn’t working.”
“Oh.”
“We have nothing to talk about”
“No.”
“What are we going to do?” Jeremiah didn’t know what he was going to do. He was going to suggest miniature golf when Mandy kissed him. She knew what she wanted to do. Jeremiah was surprised.
“Oh. OH!” Mandy smiled at him again with her perfect teeth. “Are you sure?”
“I’m pretty sure.”
“I don’t want to force you into anything.”
“If anything, I’m doing the forcing. Just relax, Jeremiah, we don’t have to fill every moment with talking. I just want you to be comfortable with me.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Do you want to finish yr fish?”
“It’s not very good.”
“Naw, but Dwayne’s a really nice guy.”
“Yeah, he seems like it.”
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[10 Nov 2006|08:09pm] |
Chapter 12:
In Which A Week Has Passed and the Prune Juice Girl Returns
“Blin-” the doorbell rang before Arthur had gotten the rest of the word out.
“Break! Talk quietly amongst yrselves.” Hushed murmuring started throughout the room. Jeremiah opened the door.
“Hi!”
“Hi Jeremiah.”
“Actually, it’s Eddie.”
“Oh, well I thought the note said- Hi Eddie.”
“Well, it’s actually spelt Jeremiah and pronounced Eddie”
“Of course. Sorry.”
“It’s a common mistake.”
“Yeah.”
“How much is it?”
“$16.72.”
“I have exact change.”
“Perfect.”
“Thanks.” She turned to walk away again.
“Um, Mandy?”
‘Yes?”
“About the note”
“It was very nice.”
“I lied.”
“You lied?”
“The prune juice was horrible. I’m sorry”
“That’s okay, but then why did you say that was good?”
“I hadn’t tried it.”
“Then why did you write the note?”
“I wanted to write something and I didn’t know what to write and we don’t know each other very well yet, all I know is prune juice.”
“Do you want to get to know each other better, Jeremiah?”
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[10 Nov 2006|08:08pm] |
Chapter 11:
In Which Jeremiah Decides How Much He Likes the Prune Juice Girl
Well, he liked her alright. She had nice features. Short red bob, light brown eyes and lips. Lips were always a good thing for a woman to have, made kissing them easier. She had a good job, a steady income and she already knew that he worked at an old age home. He had already initiated contact and he liked the sound of her voice. That was all it really took. Jeremiah took another sip of prune juice.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:08pm] |
Chapter 10:
In Which Jeremiah Finally Tries the Prune Juice
In all honesty, Jeremiah had never tried prune juice before. Especially not the prune juice delivered by Mandy, but he thought it was a nice colour and a nice compliment. He unloaded the boxes into the pantry and put a new bottle in the fridge. After it had sufficiently chilled, Jeremiah poured himself a glass and brought it back to his room. First he stared at it. The more he looked at it, the less it resembled the colour of forget-me-nots and the more it resembled cough syrup. It wasn’t very appealing. Jeremiah looked at his shoes and remembered hers. He could do it. he could drink prune juice for Mandy. Oh, Mandy.
He took a sip. He didn’t think he could do this for Mandy.
He picked the nose up off the ground and sweetened the prune juice. It was tasteless. It was tasteless, but had a horrible aftertaste. It was uncanny. How was that possible? Jeremiah realized that he had destroyed every hope of salvaging the sheep’s face. He laughed at the Egyptian sheep once more. Then he tried to drink some of the prune juice again.
Jeremiah put the glass down and thought that before he gave himself food poisoning he would have to decide how much he really liked the prune juice girl.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:07pm] |
Chapter 9:
In Which Arthur Wins The Game of Zingo!
Jeremiah returned to the activity room.
“ZINGO!” Arthur finally exclaimed.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:06pm] |
Chapter 8:
In Which Jeremiah Discovers His Chutzpah
Jeremiah was throwing packets of Splenda at his sheep. With the way things were going it would never have a mate. It would die lonely, albeit Calorie free. The sheep fell over. Its nose fell off, but not nearly impressive enough to be an Egyptian masterpiece. Jeremiah laughed at it. Then, remembering it was a Wednesday, felt sick to his stomach and decided to get some breakfast. He had a glass of very pulpy orange juice and oatmeal. Oatmeal was a big hit in the old age home, especially with the “losing their teeth” populace.
Jeremiah was on duty for Zingo! that day. It was like Bingo, but Jeremiah found that if he changed one of the letters every week he could liven the game up for the regulars and even bring in some of the wallflowers and the rebels to the activity room.
Arthur was about to hoarsely whisper-yell “ZINGO!” when the doorbell rang.
“DOORBELL” Jeremiah cried. “Talk quietly amongst yrself until I return, people. It’s prune juice time.” A cheer spread throughout the crowd of 17. Not because any of them particularly liked prune juice, except for Evelyn, but mostly because they all knew about Mandy-Prune Juice Girl and they all saw the smile on Jeremiah’s face when the doorbell had rang.
He opened the door.
“Hi!”
“Hi.”
“It’s a lovely day” Jeremiah said.
“Yeah, it’s pretty alright.”
“Not a drop of rain”
“Nope.”
“Not a hint of snow.”
“Nope.”
“Just a warm summer breeze”
“Yup.”
“I’m sorry, what’s the total?”
“$16.72.”
“Oh, same as last week?”
“Yup”
“And the week before?”
“And the week before that.” Jeremiah handed her the money, signed the delivery paper and took the box from her. She turned to leave.
“Wait.”
“Wait?”
“Wait.”
“Alright.” Jeremiah looked down at his shoes.
“What am I waiting for?”
“I have something for you.”
“Alright.”
“Alright.” Jeremiah didn’t move.
“Is it abstract?”
“No, it’s fairly concrete.”
“Oh, alright.” Jeremiah looked at her shoes. Green converse with yellow laces.
“Are we waiting for it to arrive?”
“Oh, no.”
“So, what are we waiting for?” Jeremiah ran to his room and got the twine tied forget-me-nots and the note. He ran back to the door and handed them to her.
“Thank you”
“Your welcome”
“They’re very nice”
“Yeah, they’re purple.”
“Right.”
“Like the prune juice.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“It’s really good juice.”
”Thanks. You drink the prune juice? I thought you just worked here.”
“Oh, I do.”
“But lunch is included?”
“Among other things.”
“Okay, well thank you.” She turned to walk away again. This time she was successful. She strode down the pathway and Jeremiah saw her open the note.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:06pm] |
Chapter 7:
In Which Jeremiah Does Something That I Have Not Figured Out Yet
Jeremiah’s ceiling wasn’t the least bit interesting and he wasn’t having fun. He turned on his radio, switching stations in ten second intervals and trying to find something newsworthy. Not big newsworthy, but anything that could just spark up a conversation the next day. He listens to a comedian tell him about the food that Chinese people eat. The food that Chinese people eat? Really. Thought Jeremiah, How 7 years ago. Jeremiah began to listen to some jazz. It sounded neat. He couldn’t tell the different instruments apart and the spontaneity of it all confused him, but he didn’t mind jazz. Edith banged on his bedroom door to turn down the radio. Jeremiah ignored it. If she could hear his radio than she had forgotten to take out her hearing aid before going to bed and that was not Jeremiah’s problem. Jeremiah switched the radio to the weather report. It sounded lovely outside. Not a drop of rain, not a hint of snow, just a cool warm breeze on a beautiful summer’s night. That was it. Jeremiah was going to sneak out of his room. Technically, he didn’t have to sneak. He was officially the security guard of the building. Really he was the everything of the building. He didn’t have a title, but he had taken the role of security guard among other things. Jeremiah turned off the radio and put on his sweater. He slowly inched open the window above his bed (by climbing onto his bed, shoes and all. What did I tell you? Biblical hedonist). His window wasn’t that big. It was about the size of his head, which was perfect for a lookout or to pass things through, but it meant that his shoulders didn’t exactly fit through the window and that’s where he got stuck. He didn’t get stuck literally. He just couldn’t go any further and he didn’t believe in going backwards and so he stood on his bed with his head sticking out of the window. Thinking. His room was in the basement and so he was eye level with the ground. It really was a beautiful summer’s night. No drop of rain, no hint of snow, just a warm breeze. Jeremiah enjoyed it. Even if he wasn’t actually outside experiencing it all, it was enough. He managed to get his arms through and reached out for some grass. He managed to pick a couple of forget-me-nots and brought them into his room before closing the window. He sat on his bed and turned back on the radio. He tied the forget-me-nots together with a piece of twine and attached a letter.
Oh, Mandy
You supply the sweetest juice this side of the Atlantic.
Thank you,
Jeremiah.
He hoped he had the chutzpah to give it to her on Wednesday.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:05pm] |
Chapter 6:
In Jeremiah Leaves His Room and Attempts to Sneak Out.
Jeremiah looked back at the door and was suddenly hit by an idea. Once again he missed his peer group, but this time he didn’t see them in the lines and decay of the wood. He saw escape. He saw freedom. He saw his window (DOOR!) of opportunity. Jeremiah made his bed, drank the rest of his water and tip toed to the door. Jeremiah pulled open the door with a look of victory on his face. He closed the door behind him and didn’t look it, because as the only resident without arthritis he got the door that was particularly difficult to open. He didn’t need a lock. He didn’t need a key. Jeremiah had freedom!
A hand tapped his shoulder.
“Oh, you must have heard me calling you, son. You’re such a good good boy.” Edith was attempting to suggest something that wasn’t quite coming through to Jeremiah. He looked at her nervously, victory fading from his cheeks.
“Now, you know that sweetener you had earlier? That new Jeremiah brand? Well, it’s even better than Splenda and I don’t know where you got it, boy, but I want more. I’ll give you a nickel for a packet. C’mon, good deal. In my day, you would have only gotten four cents.” Jeremiah produced the pair of ears from his pocket.
“Well, I’m not really sure what you’ve done to them, boy, but here’s your money, you’ve earned it” She handed him the shiny nickel. “But, I must let you know, that if you’ve somehow confounded the taste, then I’ll have to ask for that money back. You have to learn to lead an honest life, Eddie. It’s the only way you’re ever going to learn”. Jeremiah shuddered at the mention of his name. Technically he knew she was pronouncing it right, but he knew in her head she was saying “Eddie pronounced Eddie” and that didn’t bode well with him.
Jeremiah slunked back into his room. His mood had been altered and then altogether ruined. He stared at his ceiling and began to miss his peer group once again.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:02pm] |
Chapter 5:
In Which Jeremiah Stares at the Ceiling and Misses his Peer Group.
It was 9:00. Edith and Frida were asleep. Everyone was asleep. Jeremiah could hear Edith coughing in her sleep and Frida’s light snoring. Jeremiah wasn’t tired. Jeremiah wasn’t even fatigued. Jeremiah could have danced all night and still have begged for more. He could have quoted Pygmalion and it’s possible he did. He was full of energy and life and witty phrases, but everyone was asleep. Jeremiah stared at the ceiling and missed his peer group. He thought of all the fun parties that normal 20 odd year olds with normal jobs were at. He even though of the nerdy parties that nerdy 20 odd year olds with nerdy jobs were at. He thought of the prune girl having a more fulfilling Friday night than he was having because she wasn’t in an old age home staring at a yellowing, peeling ceiling. Jeremiah even thought of “Full House”, because he had spent the last two years full of Friday nights at the old age home thinking about interesting things and he thought that he might be running out. Jeremiah drank some water and sat up on his bed. Jeremiah stared at the door and missed his peer group. Jeremiah looked at every possible inch of his room and missed his peer group. Jeremiah was lonely. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the old age home. He liked it. Hell, he loved it. He liked Bingo/Bongo/Zingo and he liked healthy snacks and wheelchair races. He just needed someone to share it with. Someone his age. Someone who didn’t run out of breathe after one wheelchair race or even one yell of “BINGY!” Someone who could keep up with him. Jeremiah was lonely.
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[10 Nov 2006|08:02pm] |
Chapter 4:
In Which Eddie’s Sheep is Destroyed by “Old People”
Jeremiah had been saving up enough packets of Splenda to make the torso of the sheep. Something nice and good-sized to put on top of the legs. He was on his lunch break and so he sat in the lounge and set up his packets on the coffee table. He went to the bathroom as the old people came in for their tea time. Each one of them picked up a packet of Splenda, opened it and dumped it into their tea. Jeremiah didn’t know this. Jeremiah had no idea that anything was happening to his packets of Splenda at all. Jeremiah was under the assumption that they were all fine, they were chilling on the coffee table, chatting to each other and trying to determine the best way to turn themselves into the torso of a sheep. Jeremiah was sorely mistaken. Jeremiah’s packets of Splenda were not fine. They were no closer to becoming livestock. They were on their way to becoming part of an old person’s tea time. Sometimes Jeremiah hated the old people. He usually loved them, but they did not appreciate that some things were sacred. Some things belonged to Jeremiah. Some things, some packets of Splenda to be exact, had Jeremiah’s name on every single one of them. The old people didn’t get this. They didn’t have their reading glasses on and the ones who did, didn’t understand that Jeremiah was Jeremiah was Jeremiah pronounced Eddie. They saw the packets labeled Jeremiah and not knowing a single Jeremiah thought that perhaps that was the brand.
“Mmmm. Biblical tea.” They all rejoiced as they quote Genesis and Leviticus to each other. (Not that any of them really knew much about the bible, Bradley’s was a non-denominational old age home and the well versed Christians were at “Noah’s”.)
Jeremiah came back. He came back to seven packets of Splenda on a coffee table. Seven and no old people. They had all skedaddled by the time Jeremiah had returned and all that was left was an unusual artificial sweetener mystery. Jeremiah was not impressed. He was neither impressed nor unimpressed, really. He was just confused. Jeremiah sat down and looked at the seven packets of Splenda remaining. Hardly enough for a torso, he created a pair of ears instead. He hid them in his palms as he carried them back to his room, hoping that the Splenda stealing creature that had made away with all of his other packets would not surprise him on his trip back.
Jeremiah lived in the old age home. It was what made the job a good job. It wasn’t very entertaining and he had the same conversations over and over with the senile old people. The good thing was that room, food and board was included in his salary. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been a good job. It would have been just a job. Jeremiah liked his room alright. It had a single bed, close to the bathroom and he was situated inbetween Edith and Frida, who were always good for a laugh when he was bored late at night. Although, of course, late at night came earlier in the old age home than it came on a clock. Late at night occurred at about 8:30. Edith and Frida were hilarious at 8:30.
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